Throw the ball
by saisoto
Summary: Tony's thoughts. Episodes Family, Requiem and Flesh and blood.
1. Chapter 1: Throw the ball

**Warning:**

_I'm sure I make a lot of mistakes in this one, sorry about that. English is a difficult language_ ^_^;

**Throw the ball**

He felt a lonely tear running down his cheek. He has been doing that a lot lately, crying.

He knew he was all over the place and the only thing he wanted was to get all the pieces together, some magic tape and do the trick again. Because he was good at that, pretending until he didn't need to pretend. But his heart had scattered with so much force, that he wasn't sure where all the parts were. Jeanne must have took some of them with her, even if she didn't want to, and now she was carrying the ghost of a sick heart that has nothing to beat for.

What he should do? He had burn all the bridges a long time ago, when he didn't care if he ever saw her again, when he knew he was one person and not two souls sharing the same space. Man, that wasn't like him. What had changed? He didn't do broken-lonely-heart. He was the one doing that to other people and most of the time nobody cares if he stays or if he leaves. Yeah, life has a funny way of retrieving the blows.

"I'm not coming back, you have to choose"

Choose between what? You can choose when you have options, but he was no lame, DiNardo had disappeared like the lie it was. He can't choose between something that has never been there and the reality in which he woke up every morning. And yet, he carried the damn letter with him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You've got a desire? Go look for a magic lamp, maybe you get lucky and get lost in the desert of wannabes.

He should have known better, in fact, he knew better. From the beginning he was keenly aware where the road was leading and like a crash test dummy he had happily plastered a fake smile on his face and hit the gas pedal. It's had been a surprised when love hadn't taken the brick wall out of the way... Go figures. And now he had one beautiful bruise over his chest, at the level of the heart, and he wasn't sure if the safe belt had something to do with it. To make matters worse, it seemed that anyone could see the damn mark, like a neon signal hanging from his neck. He wants people to notice him, but not worry about him. He didn't want pity, he didn't do pity... well, not "that" kind of pity.

He's just having a difficult time figuring out which was the man left behind, so he made a prank; superglue McGee to his keyboard. Nice. That had been funny, yeah. He had found Funny-DiNozzo. One down, two to go.

Loyal-DiNozzo wasn't too far, just a fireplace and a decision of no return to make. One letter thrown to the flames; one hope burning; one delusion ending. You can walk over dust, maybe you get dirty, but who says life is clean? Two down, one to go.

Just give him time and he would find Carefree-DiNozzo somewhere in his chaotic life, or so he hoped. And then, he would decide if he was pitcher or batter, or maybe he was filling all the roles in this match. He couldn't win, he couldn't lose, he couldn't even quit the game.

So...

...Throw the ball.


	2. Chapter 2: God it's me Anthony DiNozzo

_Episode Requiem_

_I wasn't thinking about a second chapter, but I want to share it in case anyone like it._

_Again; I'm sorry about the mistakes._

**One request**

Hey God, it's me, Tony.

Well, I'm guessing you know me, with that omnipresence thing that your people, talk all the time about.

I'm here to say... thank you.

Man, don't I feel stupid right now. Sitting in this bench, looking that old crucifix with you hanging in there... it's kind of hinky, you know? But I felt the need to be grateful with someone and... Well, here I am.

I'm not the religious type, even the believing type, with my line of work and all... uh... sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I guess it's for the adrenaline wearing off.

I'm tired too, so damn tired. If I could sleep I would be in my bed right now and not freezing my ass here. How could a church be so cold anyway?

May be it's not the place, maybe I'm the one making it cold. It was the fear; it took all the heat I had in me. Even if only for a moment, I thought I'd lost him and I was terrified. It wouldn't have been the first time I lost someone, I know it won't be the last, but knowing doesn't make it any easier and I'm still trembling with the possibility of him being dead.

He wasn't breathing; I was too late. I knew his ghost would be hunting me if I didn't try to safe her first, but I felt like a traitor when I gave him my back. I was praying, _"please, please, don't make his sacrifice be in vain. Please, safe her"_

I don't believe in miracles. I don't want to believe in hope. It's easier this way. But today... I was hoping and I was praying. I was asking for a miracle and somebody give me one. For that, I'm grateful.

I don't know the protocols for this. I only know one prayer, when I was a kid and my mother made me kneel in the carpet and ask for a safe night. In fact, I always asked for the big bad monster under my bed to not attack me during my sleep. Now, I know better and I've learnt to live with that monster. It's always waiting for the time I close my eyes to slip in to my dreams and turn them into nightmares. Today it's going to be one of those nights. I have so much fear inside that it's going to lure him out of his den and make a big spread with my insecurities. Maybe that's why I'm here, 'cause I'm afraid to close my eyes. Maybe I'm asking for another miracle.

Is that too much? Have I completed my quota of divine favors?

If that's the case I have one last request. Could you make my guardian angel to look after my boss?


	3. Chapter 3: The Clown

**AN:**

Tony's thoughts on the episode Flesh and blood

Sorry about the mistakes, I lost my beta-reader due vacations ^_^;

**Attention**

Everyone is starving for attention. You can see it in the schools, the jobs, the internet... People need to be recognized, because we make others' opinions part of ourselves. We grow and change for them. We fight and pray over them.

"You look awesome today, that shirt matches your eyes" and we wear that shirt until it wears out and we can't tell anymore what color it was.

We crawl for a kind word, for a positive judgment of ourselves. We need to hear it from other lips, for we are deaf to our own voice.

"Don't leave"

"Don't be mad"

"Don't misjudged"

"I didn't mean"

"I'm sorry"

"Is not what you think"

We excuse ourselves without necessity, making for each word a world of significance. Placing ourselves as the center of our own little universe.

* * *

I've been waiting for that kind word all my childhood, every time I saw my father walked away and he's doing it again, leaving. But this time he had a kind word on his lips and he makes my world bigger, richer...and strange.

I had a comeback for all his phrases, but not for this one. See dad, you never cease to surprise me. All my life convincing myself I don't need your attention and now you crumble my little universe in one second.

_I love you too - I love you too - I love you too_

It isn't that difficult. I've said those words over the years to a lot of people. Why not you?

Because you never gave me the chance until now. And it's too late and it's too hard to change one of my convictions. The one says that you can't see me.

Answer me a question dear dad. Did you name me after yourself so you wouldn't forget my name?

I've never ceased to be Junior in your world. A consequence of your actions. A grant for a spoil wife. A tiny and useless part of you.

So why did I do what I did? Beat me. I no longer know myself and I guess I've never known you.

* * *

I throw one last look to the hotel's facade, before I started walking toward my car. Thinking about the money lost against a vacuous memory that I don't have the courage to change.

Deal with it, Tony. Either you're a good person or a clown. Better if no one knows about this weakness of yours.


End file.
